4/25/2017

In Brief: Pricks and the Wall

Even though President Donald Trump has rolled over on his back and surrendered on funding for the Great Wall of Stupid on the Mexican border for now, every day, he or his adminstration or some damn surrogate is out there telling us how that wall will end illegal drug importation, human trafficking, undocumented immigration, and, hell, psoriasis. And every day, I get some yutz emailing or messaging me to tell me how full of shit I am because I don't want a wall to end the crisis of opioid addiction. Putting aside that, except for heroin, most opioids are from prescription meds, every one of these people is lying and/or dumb.

For one thing, despite the fondest wishes of Rep. Steve King, drugs ain't getting into the United States strapped to the luscious cantaloupe calves of immigrants. Here's how it happens, according to a 2015 report from the DEA: "Mexican criminal networks 'transport the bulk of their goods over the Southwest Border through ports of entry (POEs) using passenger vehicles or tractor trailers.' In passenger vehicles, the drugs may be held in secret compartments; while in tractor trailers, the drugs are often comingled with other legitimate goods. Less commonly used methods to move drugs include smuggling them through crossborder underground tunnels and on commercial cargo trains, small boats, and ultralight aircraft."

You got it? The drugs come in by vehicles through the goddamn border wall that's already there. More wall ain't gonna stop that. Or drones. Or tunnels. Or boats. Walls don't work that way. Say it together: The wall won't do shit to stop drugs. It's not even worth a talking point.

And while a big wall might slow human trafficking for at least a brief period, one thing is for damn sure, and that's that Trump's deportation policies are hurting the effort to stop human trafficking. Yeah, if you might be deported for going to the cops to report on sex slaves in your neighborhood, you'll probably stay silent so you're not ripped away from your family with a hearty "thanks" from the United States government.

In his ad for Trump steaks, the future president promised, "Believe me, I understand steaks." The ad shows a number of the beef slabs, and, when they're cut open, they are inevitably medium rare. Not a single steak is shown well-done, which is how Trump is said to prefer his steak, because if he did show them that way, all grey and dry, no one would trust the person flogging the steaks.

Trump's dishonesty is part and parcel of his pitchman patter. If he's gonna build a wall, then that motherfucker is gonna be the wall of your dreams, man. Not a boondoggle of epic proportions. And Trump's gonna build it because he is one egotistical dickhead. About the Trump Taj Mahal, he said, "Nobody thought it could be built. That was the biggest risk - just getting it built. But I love proving people wrong." Yeah, he got to say it got off the ground, but so did the makers of the Hindenburg.

4/24/2017

Trump's AP Interview: Are We Still Entertained?

Since we are damned to live through this time in our history, that means that we are damned to regular interviews with President Donald Trump where we get a view of undiluted derangement that'd make Charles Manson say, "Damn, that motherfucker's scary crazy." And since I am damned to run a political blog, that means I am damned to read those interviews and react to them.

In his most recent extensive comments, Trump talked to Julie Pace of the Associated Press about his first 100 days or something. You can't really tell because Trump's ablity to talk in depth about anything is roughly equivalent to a brain damaged dalmatian's ability to fetch.

Here's a rough detailing of what I was thinking as I read the entire soul-crushing interview:

"Can't you speak in regular sentences, you fucking dumb douche? No, no, no, Angela Merkel thinks you're a goddamned baby. She's not your pal now. Lie. Lie. Lie. Oh, fuck you, the Chinese give a shit about you. You're talking about the planes still? Nothing new to mention, huh, sparky? You know, you don't have to shit on Obama every time you wanna make some stupid point. Fuck you. Fuck you. You're offering a Coke? What are you, 12? Grown-ups drink coffee, asshole. Wait, what? China didn't change shit for you. You just bitched out on confronting Xi. Fuck you. Fuck. You. No, fuck you. Oh, really, you spunk monkey, you didn't realize how big the government was? Oh, good to know that you were heartless in your business dealings. Oh, my god, I hate you. I haaaate you. Fuck how long is this? (Scroll, scroll, scroll) Son of a bitch. (Scrolls back. Big sigh.) I think I'm getting dumber reading this. Fuck, this prick is pathetic. Really, man? You're talking about the election again? It's because Melania still won't fuck you anymore, isn't it? Oh, great, we're gonna build a cheap, shitty wall. Well, at least it'll be easy to fucking dynamite once you're arrested. Fuck you. Fuuuuck you. I wouldn't let Jeff Sessions lick my scrotum. Really? You're attacking Hillary Clinton again? Goddamnit, Godzilla, you beat Mothra. Deal with it. You're a shitty human being, man. A shitty, shitty human being. I'm thirsty. I miss R.E.M. pretty much every day. Oh, c'mon, you totally watched something on Tucker Carlson or some other Fox show about MS-13. You're too fucking dumb to know anything the TV men don't tell you. 'Single best speech ever made' to Congress? Dude. You're not selling shitty steaks here. Blah. Blah. Blahhhhhh. You don't have any fuckin' plan for ISIS so shut the fuck up. The election? Again? Someone should give you a cattle prod to the nuts every time you mention the election. Jesus, I'd rather felch a porcupine than read anymore of this. No, Elijah Cummings is not your new boyfriend. Put your dick away. Wait, what? Highest ratings 'since the World Trade Center came down'? That's some evil shit right there. Boo-hoo, the media was mean to me. Maybe Ivanka will let you suckle for a while to make you feel better."

Honestly, this ain't funny anymore. The goddamn president is a woefully misinformed unrepentant liar who is obsessed with his popularity. Look at this quote about his stupid fucking wall: "People want the border wall. My base definitely wants the border wall, my base really wants it — you've been to many of the rallies. OK, the thing they want more than anything is the wall. My base, which is a big base..." Then he veered off into his election. But what is that? He's building the wall to pander to his base. That's the first reason he gives, before immigration or drugs. His idiot hordes were promised a wall and, goddamnit, he is gonna get them a wall.

Everything Trump believes he's getting jacked into his puny brain directly from Fox or Breitbart. For instance, Fox "news" is obsessed with the Latino gang MS-13, perhaps as a way of diverting attention from the fact that most domestic terrorism is commited by right-wing extremists.

And shit he doesn't know, he just makes up. No one with even a cursory knowledge of history would ever say, as Trump did, "You know, back when they did NATO there was no such thing as terrorism." He asserted, confidently and without any hedging, that there was no terrorism prior to 1949, when NATO was created. So the IRA, the Black Hand, Palestinian groups, Algerian groups, and a shit-ton of African groups don't count? Not only was there terrorism, there was terrorism over the very issues that there is terrorism now. And this is not to get into the terrorism in the United States from anarchist groups and in unionization battles. Or, you know, the KKK and other white supremacist groups. But if you point that out, Trump's people would say that, of course, he meant ISIS or al-Qaeda. Except he could have said that and he didn't. He just doesn't fucking know.

That's the not-funny part. He doesn't know. He doesn't care to know. He prefers his own world. He prefers his madness to reality, like every madman.

4/21/2017

Okay, Fine, Let's Make a Deal on the Fuckin' Wall

So yesterday, skeevy fart huffer Mick Mulvaney, the White House Budget director, said that Donald Trump would be willing to negotiate on the next "oh, holy fuck, are we going through this again" make-or-shutdown budget bill. Yeah, he won't let the government run out of money if Democrats will fund his bullshit wall on the border of Mexico. Oh, and he might not starve Obamacare to death and laugh while the peons scramble to get insurance.

Look, anyone who knows anything about the construction of this mythical "big, beautiful wall" understands that it'll be a huge boondoggle, one that'll cost metric shit-tons of money while doing dick to actually change the number of undocumented immigrants in the United States. At this point, even a big majority of Texans oppose the wall because, among other things, it'll fuck up a lot of people's property. The whole effort is a waste of time, energy, and money.

But you know what? Fuck it. Just for shits and giggles, let's flip the script on the wall. Trump wants to deal so he can say to his idiot hordes, "Look, I make wall." So let's fuckin' deal.

Democrats should see the wall as a chance for a major jobs program. Yeah, they're bullshit jobs because the project is bullshit. But they're jobs. Democrats oughta make a big deal about how only Americans or immigrants with the right visas can be hired to build the wall. They should demand a living wage, maybe even the right to unionize (although that won't fly, but it's a bargaining chip. Remember, we're negotiating with a master deal maker here [I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my nasal cavity]). Oh, and they get health insurance. These are all the requirements for the contractors, subcontractors, and subsubsubcontractors who will be getting that sweet federal funding. You want America first, motherfucker? Just what do you mean by that?

So Trump gets to pretend that his wall will be built. Lookie there. Winning (even though Mexico won't be paying for it, shhhh).

But Democrats should also get one more thing from Trump: back the fuck off the Affordable Care Act unless you have a replacement that will cover the same people without loss of benefits. No more garbage deals with the savage sphincter beasts of the Freedom Caucus. No more threats on holding back cost-sharing funds that keep it stable. You get the wall and you walk away from Obamacare until you have some actual goddamn plan.

The beautiful part of this whole fantasy is that not only will Republicans never come up with a rational replacement plan, but the fuckin' wall is never gonna be built. Or, if it is, it'll take years and have massive cost overruns and, meanwhile, it is a government-run jobs program of the size of a New Deal project. Oh, and, hey, won't we need some infrastructure spending to make sure we can transport all that American steel easily?

What do you say, Donny-Don-Donald? Art of the pussy-grabbin' deal right there.

Of course, if this deal were even possible, you can't trust Trump or the Republicans. They'll say they won't fuck your sister and then you'll walk in on them balls deep in her ass. They don't keep their word, and Trump is the fuckin' worst about that.

In fact, even in talking about wanting the wall built, Mulvaney had the hypocritical balls to say, "If [Democrats] tell us to pound sand, I think that’s probably a disappointing indicator of where the next four years is going to go. If they tell us, however, that they recognize that President Trump won an election, and he should get some of his priorities funded for that reason, elections have consequences, as folks who win always like to say."

Someone's gonna have to tell Barack Obama all about those consequences some day.

4/20/2017

In Brief: Dumb Shits Saying Shit That's Dumb (Jeff Sessions Edition)

Sexually-repressed leprechaun Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General of the whole United States, declared today that he'd be dead in the cold, cold ground before he recognized Hawaii : "I really am amazed that a judge sitting on an island in the Pacific can issue an order that stops the President of the United States from what appears to be clearly his statutory and Constitutional power."

So a member of the judiciary in an American state is essentially being told he's like a bone-wearing warlord in an atoll off Fiji.

Can someone take one for the team and give Jeff Sessions a blow job? I mean, take that tired old turkey wattle dick and go to town with your mouth. Make that tight-assed racist Beanie Baby call for Jesus before he sees God.

Suck him off to sanity. For patriotism.

4/17/2017

White People Still Love Trump Even as He Bumblefucks Through the Presidency

It's now become a seemingly weekly exercise in the New York Times (motto: "Yeah, we hired a climate change denialist and fuck you for criticizing us for it"): an article checking in on some group of people or community that supported Donald Trump in the presidential election of 2016. This time around in our Jane-Goodall-among-the-apes tour of shitty parts of America, we're in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, in a district that Trump won by only two-tenths of a point to see what those goddamned yokels and exurbanites think about the job President Trump is doing.

This exercise is akin to asking a chronic masturbator why he keeps jacking off. "Look at you," you can say to this compulsive onanist, "your dick is scabby and chafed, you can barely even get hard anymore, let alone ejaculate, and you're so sick of porn that it takes near-death strangle sex videos to interest you at all. You're exhausted, your friends have abandoned you, your place stinks of cum, and, c'mon, man, take a shower. Why do you keep doing it?" Of course, the wanker is gonna tell you, "Because it feels so good" even though all evidence points to the exact opposite.

So we're off to Eastern Pennsylvania to see what some white people think of Trump in a swing district. And guess what? "Many still trust him, but wonder why his deal-making instincts do not seem to be translating. They admire his zeal, but are occasionally baffled by his tweets. They insist he will be fine, but suggest gently that maybe Vice President Mike Pence should assume a more expansive role." They have their doubts, but they stand by their decision. And they're sure that Trump himself isn't solely to blame for his lack of "winning." Said one fucking idiot, "“It’s really disheartening what they’re putting him through." Yes, it's a shame that "they" demand a president act like a goddamned president and not a king.

The article by Matt Flegenheimer goes out of its way to be fairer than the usual dumbass-whites-love-Trump pieces. He includes people who oppose Trump, and he does show Trump voters who seem like they are edging towards enlightenment, although they all stop just short of regret. But even this is disingenuous because, according to polls, those dumbass whites who voted for Trump fuckin' love the guy like it was still the heady summer of 2016 when the chant of "Lock her up" was the howler monkey yawp of the damned.

Yeah, white people give him a 50% approval rating, with white men coming in at 56% approving (and white women at a disheartening 46%). Shit, 78% of white people who consider themselves the mythical "moderate Republicans" approve of Trump's job performance.

And of course it's whites. Generally middle-income, lower-educated whites, but white people. And that's because of the, yeah, you know it, racism. Say it all together because it's statistically demonstrable: Lots of white people voted for Trump because of his promises to harm people of other races. It wasn't economic anxiety. It wasn't anti-establishment. It was racism.

So every time you do an article about Trump voters and how their feeling about the president, you're pretty much validating that racism. It's more or less "Hey, let's check out what a bunch of people who are stupider than shit and hate Muslims and Hispanics and blacks think of the idiot asshole they elected and pretend that their gutter-level ignorance is hard-scrabble wisdom." Move to another area of the country and repeat.

I can't figure out why it's so fucking important for the Times to figure out what this demographic of the dumb believe about Trump. The filthy masses won't ever love the big city elites. And if you're hoping to get the scoop on some shift in attitudes, well, it ain't gonna happen in the first 100 days. Or ever for most of his voters.

This is a kind of religion. It doesn't have a rational basis. It is all faith built upon lies. The faithful will not tell you their god is false, even if you show them his many heresies.

4/13/2017

Mitch McConnell Can't Be Bothered with Truth

Lemme get a little something off the ol' hairy chest here before we head into our weekend celebration of public execution and zombification. Last week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch "Dewlap" McConnell penned an opinion piece for the Washington Post, and it was, without a doubt, one of the most mendacious, self-justifying piss dribbles you could conceive of.

Titled "Democrats reap what they have sown," McConnell might as well have started with "Suck on my Gorsuch, libtards." The Kentucky Republican sought to lay the battle over Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch's confirmation at the feet of Democrats. He called the filibuster of Gorsuch "another extreme escalation in Democrats’ decades-long drive to transform judicial confirmations from constructive debates over qualifications into raw ideological struggles." And he brings up the usual suspects, like Robert Bork, who, he doesn't mention, got a full hearing and Senate vote. That's just garden variety fuckery.

But then he tried to forget about history. "In 2003, when President George W. Bush was nominating judges, Democrats pioneered the idea of using routine filibusters to stop them," McConnell asserts. While Republicans didn't use the filibuster when Bill Clinton was presidency, they were total dickheads when it came to judges. Yeah, there were 20 seats on the federal appellate bench open during Clinton's two-terms. He nominated 24 men and women. The Senate ended up approving just 4, leaving the rest for George W. Bush to fill (and he did with 14 of them). 42 federal district judge's seats were empty when Clinton came into office. He nominated 45 people who weren't approved, most of whom didn't even make it out of committee. Eventually, he got 17 others through the Senate, but Bush got to fill another 24 judgeships.

In other words, skeevy lying fuck Mitch McConnell wants to blame Democrats but he can't stand the sight of himself in the mirror (and who can blame him?). McConnell is the kind of guy who laughs about using liberal tears as lube when he jacks off to cat anus porn, and when he discovers that salty water doesn't make for good lube, he pretends like it's awesome that he's just chafing his dick.

By the way, you know what doesn't appear once in the editorial? The name "Merrick Garland." For that alone, McConnell's scribbles oughta just be used as hobo toilet paper.

4/12/2017

Eating Cake in a Time of Madness

One thing is for sure: Donald Trump ate some awesome chocolate cake while dining with the president of China as Tomahawk missiles were uselessly blowing up around an airfield in Syria. In an interview with Maria Bartiromo of Fox Business (motto: "A few thousand shut-ins think they get stock advice here"), Trump praised that motherfucking cake, saying of the attack, "We had finished dinner. We're now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen and President Xi was enjoying it."

To be fair, Bartiromo had asked if the bombing happened after dessert. And, to be even fairer, it sounded like some great friggin' cake. According to the menu for the evening, President Xi Jinping and Trump had "Chocolate cake with vanilla sauce and dark chocolate sorbet" at the golden dining room in Trump's golden castle, Mar-a-Lago. That goddamn cake was so good that Xi was stuffing his face with it when he got the news from Trump. Said our president, "I said we've just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq and I wanted you to know this. And he was eating his cake. And he was silent."

Yeah, if Trump did tell Xi he had just lobbed missiles at Iraq, that likely made Xi decide, "I can stop eating cake and say, 'You mean, Syria, right?' or I can just keep eating cake. Yeah, I'm gonna just shut the fuck up and keep eating this chocolatey bitch right here." Except in Chinese.

Every time Trump opens his mouth, it becomes soul-suckingly apparent that he's crazier than a shithouse rat. Whether it's the blithe racism ("everything is very orderly with the Chinese, frankly") or the weird insistence on repeating the same words over and over (everytime he mentions "Obamacare," he has to say that it's "failing"), he's probably suffering from dementia. It is not just the elephant in the room; it is a goddamned herd. And, really, it's the easiest explanation for his constantly changing positions.

Then there's his unending insistence that things that are objectively false are true, like the fact that the departments of the executive branch are understaffed by, as Trump said, "Hundreds and hundreds of people. And then they'll say, why isn't Trump doing this faster?" Good question, and Trump, who simply hasn't nominated people for these positions, says, "You can't do it faster, because they're obstructing. They're obstructionists." Presumably, that means Democrats, but, really, who the fuck knows? I'm pretty sure he doesn't even fucking know. That's because he's barking mad and proudly ignorant.

At today's press conference with the NATO Secretary General, Trump lumbered to the lectern like a wounded yeti, blithered out some barely comprehensible statement that he was forced to make, and stood there like a decaying, overstuffed Spitting Image puppet that was tossed out for being too grotesque. Once again in the presence of a leader of a country or group that he had harshly criticized before, Trump bitched out, as he had with Angela Merkel, Enrique Pena Nieto, and others. Hell, after saying that China was a bunch of shitheels who manipulated currency and were killing us with trade and raping our corpses, he gave that nation's president beautiful goddamn chocolate cake.

Not only was he jolly as hell about NATO, Trump declared, in that voice that sounds like a combination of boredom, irritation, Xanax, and a minor stroke, that NATO "is no longer obsolete" because "something, something, terrorism, Trump, Trump, Trump, can I have more cake?" or words to that effect.

Like in the interview, the only way Trump's words make sense is if you accept that he's deep into mental illness or dementia, perhaps Alzheimer's, or he's legitimately dumb, as in mentally handicapped, or, perhaps, some malevolent combination of all of it. Asked if European nations should fear Russia, Trump said, and you gotta read this in full, " I want to just start by saying hopefully they're going to have to fear nothing, ultimately. Right now there is a fear and there are problems, certainly problems, but ultimately I hope there won't be a fear and won't be problems and the world can get along. That would be the ideal situation. It's crazy what's going on, whether it's the Middle East or you look at no matter where, the Ukraine, you look at -- whatever you look at, it's got problems. So many problems. And ultimately, I believe that we are going to get rid of most of those problems and there won't be fear of anybody. That's the way it should be."

That's someone who is utterly lost, who has no sense of what he's actually talking about, and who has never been told, "Donald, bubby, you're all kinds of fucked up and no one should fuckin' listen to you." And it should scare the living shit out of us. Are we gonna bomb something every time Trump sees dying babies? Holy shit, don't show him those UNICEF ads. He'll bomb Alyssa Milano, and we're preciously low on those.

Maybe you're not frightened enough. Maybe you're thinking, "Oh, come on. He's all over the place. Geniuses are like that." First off, I wanna punch you right in your strawman groin. Instead, though, read where Trump went when talking about wiretapping with Bartiromo. After insisting that he put wiretapping in quotation marks because it's "old-fashioned," Trump observed, "You don't have a lot of wires. Look at this room. This room used to have a lot of wires. Now it doesn't have so many wires."

This crazy motherfucker oughta be at home with a blanket on his lap, giving orders on how hot his soup should be, wondering when he's gonna get some more cake.